You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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