Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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