so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize