As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
