This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
