Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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