Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Randomize
