remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
