Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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