whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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