It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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