Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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