Pregnant stripper...not hot.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
time to smoke my breakfast
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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