dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
one two three fourrrrnication!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
The best revenge is premature balding
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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