Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
