"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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