So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
