i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize