y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
