Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
