apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
