My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
