Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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