I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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