i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
worst night to have a conscience
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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