Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
