plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
