I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize