I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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