he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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