it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
