This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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