I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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