We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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