Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
