I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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