his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
