This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize