My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
