Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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