Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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