I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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