just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
