I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there was a trapeze. enough said
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
