How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize