He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
