Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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