So drunk its hurt
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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