So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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