So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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