Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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