it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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