If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize