im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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