I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize