I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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