True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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